Are You Making These 5 Common Mistakes Supporting Children With School Anxiety?

A calm, safe space at Fast Progress Tuition helps anxious children relax and build confidence during school and holiday periods.

"Resilience is not about avoiding challenges—it's about learning how to rise above them, one gentle step at a time." Anonymous

Supporting a child with school anxiety feels like walking through a minefield. Every decision matters, and well-meaning parents, SENCOs, and teachers often find themselves making mistakes that accidentally make things worse. School holidays add another layer of complexity: what should be restful breaks can become periods of mounting dread as return dates approach.

Understanding these common pitfalls can transform how you support anxious students, especially during those tricky transition periods around holidays.

Mistake #1: Forcing School Attendance at All Costs

The pressure to get children through school gates runs deep. Schools track attendance figures, parents worry about falling behind, and everyone feels the weight of "normal" expectations. But forcing an anxious child to attend school can backfire spectacularly.

The Holiday Connection: This mistake becomes particularly damaging around holiday periods. The weeks leading up to Christmas, Easter, or summer breaks often see increased anxiety as children anticipate the eventual return. Forcing attendance during these sensitive periods can create lasting trauma associations with school.

Physical coercion, threats, or bribes don't address the underlying anxiety: they compound it. When you drag a child kicking and screaming to school, you're essentially teaching them that their intense fear doesn't matter. Their nervous system goes into overdrive, and what started as manageable anxiety can escalate into full panic responses.

What Works Instead:

• Gradual exposure at the child's pace

• Collaborative planning with school staff

• Short, positive school experiences before extending duration

• Addressing root causes rather than symptoms

Alternative provisions like Fast Progress Tuition understand this principle. They create environments where anxious students can rebuild confidence without the pressure of traditional attendance expectations.

Mistake #2: Ignoring Early Warning Signs

Many parents hope school anxiety will simply resolve itself. Those Sunday night stomach aches, Monday morning meltdowns, or sudden reluctance to discuss school: these early signals often get dismissed as "phases" or typical childhood behaviour.

The Holiday Amplification Effect: Warning signs intensify around holidays. The last week of term might see increased emotional outbursts. The final days before returning to school after Christmas or Easter often bring physical symptoms: headaches, nausea, sleep disruption.

Alternative provision in action—students taking part in relaxed, real-world activities to ease anxiety and support engagement.

Parents and teachers who ignore these patterns miss crucial intervention windows. School anxiety rarely improves without support: it typically worsens as avoidance patterns strengthen.

Early Intervention Strategies:

• Document patterns in behaviour and physical symptoms

• Communicate openly with your child about their experiences

• Collaborate with school staff before problems escalate

• Consider professional support at first signs, not last resort

The longer anxiety builds without acknowledgment, the more entrenched it becomes. What might be resolved with simple accommodations in October could require intensive support by February.

Mistake #3: Using Rewards and Punishments for Anxiety

Behaviour charts work brilliantly for motivation issues. They fail catastrophically with anxiety. When schools or parents implement reward systems for attendance or consequence charts for school refusal, they're treating symptoms rather than causes.

Holiday Timing Disasters: This approach becomes particularly harmful around holiday periods. Promising Christmas presents for good attendance or threatening consequences for holiday behaviour creates additional pressure when children are already struggling with transition anxiety.

Anxiety isn't a choice. You can't incentivise someone out of a panic attack any more than you can reward away a broken leg. These approaches often increase shame and self-blame, making children feel defective for struggling with something beyond their immediate control.

Alternative Approaches:

• Focus on emotional regulation skills

• Celebrate small steps and effort, not just outcomes

• Address underlying triggers and concerns

• Build coping strategies rather than compliance systems

A visual approach to learning can help make the classroom environment more accessible for children with SEND and anxiety.

Effective support looks like the structured, nurturing approach shown in alternative educational settings: clear pathways and choices rather than rigid reward systems.

Mistake #4: Dismissing Their Feelings and Experiences

"You'll be fine." "Don't be silly." "There's nothing to worry about." These automatic responses might seem reassuring, but they accidentally invalidate your child's very real emotional experience.

The Post-Holiday Challenge: This mistake peaks in January and after Easter holidays. Children express dread about returning to school, and adults respond with dismissive reassurances: "But you had such a lovely break!" or "School will be fun again once you settle back in."

When children share their fears and receive dismissal, they learn to stop communicating. The anxiety remains but goes underground, often emerging as physical symptoms or behavioural changes instead of words.

Validation Without Amplification:

• "I can see you're really worried about this"

• "That sounds frightening for you"

• "Help me understand what makes you feel scared"

• "We'll work through this together"

Validation doesn't mean agreeing with every fear or avoiding all challenges. It means acknowledging that your child's emotional experience is real and worth taking seriously.

"Children with secure attachments are more likely to develop the confidence and resilience needed to face challenges in and out of the classroom." (Based on the research of John Bowlby, Attachment Theory)

During school holidays, children without secure attachments may feel particularly vulnerable or unsettled, as the routine and support of the classroom environment is removed. This highlights the importance of nurturing strong, supportive relationships both in and out of school to help children feel safe and resilient year-round.

Mistake #5: Accepting "They're Fine at School" Without Question

School staff often report that anxious children appear calm during school hours. This creates confusion for parents witnessing meltdowns, exhaustion, or emotional dysregulation at home. Many parents begin doubting their child's accounts of school-based distress.

The Holiday Revelation: School holidays often reveal the true extent of a child's anxiety. Without the daily energy expenditure of "masking" at school, you might see your child relaxing for the first time in months. Then, as return dates approach, the anxiety resurfaces with intensity.

Children often save their "real" emotions for safe spaces: usually home. The child having panic attacks in your kitchen might be the same one sitting quietly in their classroom. Both experiences are genuine.

Trust Your Child's Account:

• Home behaviour often reveals school impact more accurately than school reports

• Emotional exhaustion after school indicates significant internal struggle

• Physical symptoms appearing on school days are real responses to stress

• Your child's perspective matters, even if it conflicts with official accounts

If you're seeking support for children suffering from anxiety, remember that your observations as a parent provide crucial information that school staff might not witness.

The Holiday Challenge: Understanding Transition Difficulties

School holidays present unique challenges for anxious children and families. What should be restful periods often become times of mounting anxiety as return dates approach. Understanding this pattern helps parents and educators provide better support.

Common Holiday Patterns:

• Initial relief and relaxation in early days

• Mounting anxiety as return dates approach

• Physical symptoms intensifying in final weeks

• Difficulty enjoying holiday activities due to underlying dread

Supporting Transitions:

• Acknowledge that holiday endings feel difficult

• Gradually reintroduce school-related routines before return

• Plan positive school experiences in final holiday week

• Maintain open communication about fears and concerns

Many families find that alternative provision offers more flexible approaches to managing these transitions, working with natural anxiety patterns rather than against them.

Moving Forward: Creating Sustainable Support

Avoiding these common mistakes requires patience, understanding, and often professional guidance. School anxiety doesn't resolve through force or dismissal: it responds to compassionate, informed support that addresses underlying causes.

Key Principles:

• Trust your child's emotional experience

• Address anxiety as a genuine health concern

• Collaborate with understanding professionals

• Focus on long-term emotional wellbeing over short-term compliance

• Recognise that recovery takes time and setbacks are normal

If you're struggling with these challenges, consider reaching out for professional support. Many families benefit from drop-in sessions where they can discuss concerns with experienced professionals who understand school anxiety.

Remember: making mistakes doesn't make you a bad parent or educator. Recognising these patterns and adjusting your approach demonstrates exactly the kind of reflective, caring support that helps anxious children thrive. The goal isn't perfect responses: it's creating an environment where children feel heard, supported, and gradually more confident in facing their challenges.